Monday, August 2, 2010

Cat Ladies

It's been awhile since my last post. Some of you may think it's because I'm slacking. I'm here to refute that statement. Over the past three weeks, I've been conducting serious research on the phenomena that is the Cat Lady. You know? Everyone knows at least one person (usually a female) with way too many cats (or animals at all for that matter) who seem to think that the amount of time that they spend with them is perfectly normal. Don't get me wrong, I'm not advocating animal neglect or anything, but animals are not kids.

They have four legs and defecate in boxes. This love of felines is nothing new. Ancient Egyptian tombs have played host to mummified cats. What a sucky job. But the main point of the post is the cold hard rational, scientifically sound statistics I found during this research. So let's cut to the chase shall we?

Ladies, for EVERY cat you own, your chance of finding true love (CoFTL) decreases.

Here are the ratios of number of cats owned to the decrease in CoFTL (in percentage):

1 : 10%
2 : 20%
3 : 40%
4 : 80%
5+ : see picture of lady above and you tell me.

So there you have it people. Men lie, women lie (hell, even bloggers lie sometimes). But numbers don't.

Those numbers aren't even fully indicative of how detrimental this love of cats can be. What many of you assume is that you automatically started out with a CoFTL score of 100. This could not be further from the truth. I scored Halle Berry on the official CoFTL scale, and she came in at 95%. That means most of you regular people are PROBABLY maxing out around 83%. That's IF you're fine AND have a job. So after your first cat, you're ALREADY down to 73%. In college, that's a D.

Now you see why there's so many Asians? They eat their cats, so their CoFTL scores remain relatively unscathed, and they're reproducing like CRAZY because of it. True love all over that continent. If you hate Chinese slippers as much as I do (which you should), you'll box up all of your cats right now and ship them across the Pacific to level the playing fields a little bit.

You're probably just as startled by these results I was. So to help you understand why, it's because no sane person owns that many cats (or animals at all). Period. They may have started out sane, but with each and every one of those pets, another part of their cognitive abilities died. Don't believe me? Spend a day with one of these people. Look at the background of their laptop and cell phone. It's probably something furry. Look at them interact with these mammals/reptiles. They'll call them their "babies." They'll treat them like actual human children. I promise you, at least once, they will put their face level with the animal's snout, and kiss it on the mouth. They'll give you made up statistics about how sanitary the animal's mouth is to justify making out with a four legged creature. Don't let anyone fool you, that's gross.

But THEN, they'll start giving you insight on the animals emotions and feelings, because apparently everyone is a veterinary psychologist now except for me. I know when to feed them, when it's okay to touch them, and when I need to run. That's it. I can't tell you when they're getting divorced. These feline-philiacs will then tell you that their cat (or whatever animal) understands them, when in fact, these animals understand less about us than we understand about them. Yes they keep you company. It's not because they "love" you. It's because you keep feeding them and scratching them behind the ears.

Fact: if you keep feeding me and scratching me being my ears, I'll probably keep coming back for more. It's not because I love you. It's because I like food. And if it comes with being scratched behind the ears, then so be it.

What the evidence I've supplied you with means, is that these people have formed a dependency on their animals. They have basically given up on actual human relations. Cats are cop outs. They're easy. You don't have to work at it. You feed them, scratch them, and they "love you." Real love, much like anything else worth having in life, takes work.

All this being said, there's nothing wrong with owning a bunch of pets. Okay, I lied. There's plenty wrong with it. But I can't fault you. I guess my point is this: if your emotional release lies in the hands of four legged beings, please keep your crazy ass off the market.

Until next time folks. Remember to laugh. There's always someone uglier than you.

If you have any topics you'd like to see discussed, drop a comment or hit me up on twitter (

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Entertainment Gone Too Far

So for those of you who do not live under a rock, you probably know LeBron James recently chose to join fellow NBA All-Stars Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh in playing with the Miami heat for the upcoming basketball season. Let's get a few things out of the way.

1) No, this is not going to be an entire blog about LeBron James. I'm as tired of hearing about it as you are.
2) There is absolutely no reason Dwyane Wade's name should be spelled like that. Between "LeBron" and "Dwyane" there are ALREADY six red squiggly lines in this blog post. Unacceptable.
3) My friend Dante provided the most accurate description of Chris Bosh I've heard to this point in my life. Sure, we already knew he looked like one of the things from "Avatar," but have you ever seen a homosexual velociraptor? Bam. Chris Bosh. What does that have to do with anything? Nothing. But this is my blog and I do what I want.


Perhaps the most disturbing thing to me about the whole situation is the reaction that the city of Cleveland had to LeBrenedict Arnold's flight. Don't get me wrong, it has all been nothing short of hilarious. Did you see the sign that Cleveland restaurant erected?! (Sorry, I've just been looking for a reason to use that word). But, some of the reactions have been downright extreme. Burning jerseys? Why would LeBron care? Did he pay for that? I'm fairly sure that NO ONE in Cleveland really has money to burn like that. If they did, they wouldn't live in Cleveland (why do you think LeBron left?). There were grown men. Crying. Over another grown man. That they've never met. Who didn't die. Now, trust me, I love sports as much as the next guy, but if Michael Jordon decided to gang up with Jesus Christ and play football for the University of Miami Hurricanes and then transfer to Florida State, I can count the number of tears I would shed on no hands. This really made me think of where people's priorities are.

We care SO much about these entertainers and such that we forget when to stop caring.

I once met a stripper who decided to tell me that she named her son LeBron. This bothered me for the following reasons:
1) I promise you I didn't go to the strip club to hear about anyone's personal life. That's what diaries are for.
2) She was a Mexican. How do you react to a Mexican baby named LeBron?!
3) LeBron could go on a rape and pillaging spree RIGHT NOW. Then she'd be stuck with a Mexican baby named after a ball player who just went on a rape and pillaging spree. Then what do you do? Not to mention your little LeBron could grow up to become a sports fanatic who cries when his favorite athlete leaves his favorite team. Then you have a grown ass crying Mexican named after a ball player notorious for going on a rape and pillaging spree on your hands, and no one knows how to handle that. Humans just aren't built for that.

I guess what I am trying to say is this: mind your business. Watching TV and all that stuff is cool, but when you turn it off you should go right back to living your own life in the real world so you don't do something stupid. Somewhere, there's a kid named Orenthal James, and his life is very difficult. Why? Because his parents were too busy living in TV land to stop being retarded.

Until next time folks. Remember to laugh. There's always someone uglier than you.

If you have any topics you'd like to see discussed, drop a comment or hit me up on twitter (

Friday, July 2, 2010

The Great Gay Debate

So I've been considering starting a video blog for the past couple of days, and as a part of the process, I started browsing other video blogs on YouTube. In the process, I came across some enlightened negro going on about how being gay couldn't possibly be a choice because of something to do with evil demon spirits that Jesus wouldn't condone or some hogwash and I got angry.

First off, if I decide NOT to do the video blog, we can all blame that guy. I'd never want to come across as that bored or stupid.

Second, SINCE he got me so angry, here's my take on the never ending gay issue, and if you don't like talking about it, I suggest you exit now and carry on with your day as scheduled. No love lost.

As a heterosexual male, I actually don't care about what homosexuals do. It has nothing to do with me. Our paths really don't conflict. Well, not the males at least, you know? Because I like women, and they like men. Lesbians on the other hand, that's unfair competition, but I'm a huge fan of their movies, so they're okay with me.


Being that all of these homosexuals are off falling in love with each other, minding their own business, I see no reason why I cannot do the same. Why should I waste irreplaceable time out of my intrinsically valuable life to protest how someone else spends their equally valuable life? It's never really made since to me.

Let them marry. Gay people marrying has absolutely nothing to do with heterosexuals. I always hear this thing about preserving the "sanctity" of marriage as if homosexuals are the world's GREATEST threat to the "sanctity of marriage." Guys, Tiger Woods was married, had a separate caddy to tell him which white woman to use and is now on the verge of losing $750 million hot damned dollars because of it. In the long run, that BASICALLY makes Elin the world's most expensive pimp, in that she's collecting more than half a billion dollars from the work of OTHER females. It is THAT type of selfishness that is ruining the sanctity of marriage people. Both of these people are (supposedly) heterosexual.

In addition, why should what YOUR marriage means to YOU be affected by what other people are doing with THEIR marriages? That's just another classic case of people not being able to mind their own damned business. Your marriage's sanctity should speak for itself, and depend on YOUR actions, NOT the actions of two people of the same sex somewhere else. Marriage should not be a governable institution. University of Phoenix online should be a governable institution. Marriage should be a bond between two people, recognized and respected by others.

Now, a lot of people wonder why a gay person would chose to be gay. They never know the answer, they're just sure that at some point in time, a choice was made. To those people, I pose this question: At what point did you chose to be straight? I personally cannot pinpoint any point in my life where I sat down with a naked Barbie doll and a naked Ken doll in front of me, and played eenie-meenie-minie-moe or whatever to decide which anatomy I would forever be attracted to. It was always the boobies that got me. I can't help it. Til this day, I love boobs. Women are wonderful and I love them, and there's nothing I can do about it. And I'm a PRETTY strong person. Now, call me close minded or short sighted, but I don't really see how or why anyone could make a conscientious effort to suppress these strong biological and physical urges and go in the exact opposite direction with them. Yes, I am strongly asserting that people are born gay. No matter how hard I tried, if I went to a club tonight I could NOT leave with a dude. I just don't have it in me.

Now there's always a strong contingent of people who STILL refuse to rationally evaluate the case I just made, and for that contingent, I'll make things a little simpler for you. Most people have, at some point in their lives, been attracted to someone that they knew was not good for them. They weren't a good match, they were a b*tch, they were an assh*le, they had too many baby mamas/daddies, something of the sort. You knew it wasn't good for you, and you were attracted anyway. Why? Because people are born inherently retarded. And because you can't really help what you're attracted to. It's biology. (Let the record show that I'm not calling homosexuals retarded or saying that they're attracted to things that are bad for them. I was talking about people.)

I understand that my stance on the matter may be a little too liberal or radical for some to digest, and honestly if you can't get on board with it, that's fine. There's literally no use whatsoever in arguing to the death about an issue that has absolutely nothing to do with us. This debate is tantamount to 20 million dudes debating on which brand of tampons is the right one to use.

I guess my REAL point is this: if you have enough time to convince yourself that being gay is wrong and that gay marriage is going to be society's downfall, it's PROBABLY time for you to get a job.

Until next time folks. Remember to laugh. There's always someone uglier than you (and statistics say they're PROBABLY a heterosexual).

If you have any topics you'd like to see discussed, drop a comment or hit me up on twitter (

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Don't Believe the Hype

A lot of times, people use music as a coping mechanism. There's music to match every single emotion imaginable. There's intelligent music, and there's ignorant music (the vast majority of which coming from Atlanta). There's peaceful music, and there's violent music. There's loving music, and there is angry, hateful music. There's music that was written with the purest, most genuine thought and sentiment possible. And then there's most music. It's just supposed to sound good so you'll buy it.

What's my point? My point is this: there are SO many people who look to music for motivation/assurance without entirely thinking of what the hell they're cosigning. Examples? I thought you'd never ask.

In a Drake song entitled "Find Your Love" he croons "I'm more than just an option (hey, hey, hey)". I remember a huge face palm the very first time I heard this lyric in anticipation of the newest breed of artificially empowered people to surface. And on cue "I'm more than just an option" tweets, Facebook statuses, and text message signatures spread like wild fire. Well, I'm sorry to play myth buster here, but statistically and realistically speaking that's a lie. There are approximately 6.8 billion people on this planet. About half are female, and half are male. Even if you ARE one in a million (which is highly unlikely), there are still 6,800 other people JUST LIKE YOU roaming around this Earth somewhere. So sorry to rain on your parade, but you're really just an option. That's it. You can sing that song if you want to, but Drake's going to have you posting personals if you get to excited with that song.

In 2008 Destiny's Child superstar Beyonce Knowles dropped two bombshells artificially empowering black women across America, and for this, I hate her. She first suggested that single women everywhere should feel gypped because "If you like it, then you shoulda put a ring on it" in a song ironically titled "Single Ladies." Simultaneously, everyone chose to ignore the fact that Ms. Knowles is actually married to one of the biggest names in hip-hop history, Mr. Shawn "Jay-Z" Carter. Beyonce's just trying to make an honest living. She's done no wrong. It's the single ladies taking single advice from a married woman with an ENORMOUS ring on her finger who worry me. The same women who would thrive off another burst of energy from Ms. Knowles in the same year when she dropped her smash hit "Diva", which declared that "a diva is a female version of a hustler." Let's pause for a minute.

di·va   [dee-vuh, -vah]
–noun, plural -vas, -ve  [-ve]
a distinguished female singer; prima donna.
1880–85; < It < L dīva, fem. of dīvus god; cf. divine

hus·tler   [huhs-ler]
–noun enterprising person determined to succeed; go-getter.
2.Slang . a person who employs fraudulent or unscrupulous methods to obtain money; swindler.
3.Informal . an expert gambler or game player who seeks out challengers, esp. unsuspecting amateur ones, in order to win money from them: He earned his living as a pool hustler.
4.Slang . a prostitute.
5.a person who hustles.
1815–25; hustle + -er1

Guys, those aren't the same thing at all. Not even close to synonyms. All of you lose. It was just a song.

This motivational music is no new phenomenon. Let's take a journey back to June of 1999, when R&B girl group Destiny's Child (Ms. Knowles seems to be a repeat offender here) dropped the fed-up women's anthem "Bills, Bills, Bills" following the success of TLC hit "No Scrubs." The chorus of this song went as follows:
can you pay my bills
can you pay my telephone bills
can you pay my automo'bills
then maybe we can chill
I don't think you do
so you and me are through

Many women adopted this as a motto while simultaneously forgetting the fact that they could not pay their OWN telephone, or "automo" bills. They failed to realize that this did not make them empowered, independent women, but gold diggers. Once again, you've failed.

My point in all of this? I guess what I aim to say is this: you look stupid. These songs were created for the sole purpose of capitalizing on the vulnerability of insecure people who would latch on to their messages as motto's on which to base their next moves, insecure people who would in turn inadvertently end up offering free promotion by repeating they're stupid lyrics day in and day out.

In short, DO NOT turn on the radio for advice. Take your lonely ass to church.

Until next time folks. Remember to laugh. There's always someone uglier than you.

If you have any topics you'd like to see discussed, drop a comment or hit me up on twitter (

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Cupid's Cures

I'm in the mood to make someone's life a lot easier today.

1. Nothing is as serious as you think it is. That's why we're laughing.
2. You're always over reacting. Get over it. Unless he cheated.
3. He's not cheating, you're just insecure.
4. Maybe he is cheating, but you can't prove it.
5. Stay off of his facebook/twitter if you're just looking for evidence of infidelity. Of course you're going to find it, the internet is where skeezers live. You can't avoid them. Your private investigating skills suck.
6. If he's flirting in plain view, be happy. It means he's not boning her. If he is, it means he's a moron, which in turn makes you a moron. And you'll probably be together forever and have little moronic babies.
7. Pick your battles. Don't nag about every little offense. If you enter a relationship with anyone not named Jesus and expect perfection, you might wanna keep that e-harmony account open.
8. If you ask your girlfriend's opinion she's just going to agree with you, so why bother? Not to mention, it's none of their business. What? You just needed to hear the verbal confirmation to ease some of the same insecurities we spoke of in #3? Oh okay.
9. All the dudes consoling you after your various facebook/twitter rants? They're only trying to hit.
10. If you're mad at any of these points, you're probably not as grown as you think you are.

1. EVERYTHING YOU DO IS WRONG! It doesn't matter how innocent or right you are. You're wrong. Don't defend yourself. Just apologize. It'll make your life a lot easier.

Until next time folks. Remember to laugh. There's always someone uglier than you.

If you have any topics you'd like to see discussed, drop a comment or hit me up on twitter (

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Legalize It

The name of this post already tells you all you need to know about what this post will touch on, so if your closed little mind has already decided that you don't like what I'm about to say, I invite you to open your kitchen drawer, find the sharpest knife, and head-butt it. Repeatedly.

Back to the blogging.

I sincerely believe that the time for this country to legalize marijuana has come and gone. Repeatedly. Because there are DEFINITELY more reasons to do it than not to do it. This post is in no way an admission of my use of marijuana. I'm not trying to advocate the use of it. I'm simply advocating the legalization of it. Which, I guess, is some indirect way of advocating the use of it. So if that's what you wanted to hear me do so you can cast this aside as illegitimate: Smoke weed. Sue me.

Economically it makes sense. No matter how broke people are, they still manage to have weed on them. It never ceases to amaze me. Of course there'd still be drug dealers and people selling weed illegally, but I also know people who sell stolen TVs and computers. Last I checked TVs and computers were still perfectly legal.

But most importantly, weed has never done anything to anyone. Guns, alcohol, swine flu, HIV, have ALL killed or even more people than weed. Make guns illegal. Make alcohol illegal. Make sneezing illegal. Make unprotected sex illegal. Not very logical is it?

Not only could the government potentially make money off of the legalized sale of Marijuana, they could save the money they spend on all of those senseless "above the influence" anti marijuana campaigns they sponsor. Have you all seen those? What about the one with the the poorly drawn dog and boy and the dog is all "I wish my owner would do more stuff, but he's always too high to do anything."? Have you seen it? It's freaking stupid. They NEVER show what the owner was like BEFORE he got hight. Spoiler alert: he was STILL a lazy bastard. Marijuana does not do that to you. Willie Nelson and Bob Marley seemed to accomplish quite a bit smoking marijuana. On second thought, perhaps Bob Marley wasn't the best example to use right there. What about Barack Obama? He smoked once upon a time. I'd say he's doing alright for himself.

Let's talk about the sober cobras making these PSAs in the first place. Seeing as they already KNOW that stupid little 30 second spot is going to be completely ignored by 97% of the people watching it, why do they still do it? Because they don't have anything better to do. Maybe if they smoked, they'd think of something productive to do.

Marijuana simply combines the good effects of alcohol and smoking anything else, while subtracting most of the bad ones. It doesn't make people belligerent. Studies have shown that there is no increased lung cancer risk introduced with the use of marijuana. So WHAT ARE WE DOING?!

The only thing that making such a seemingly harmless substance illegal does is give overly righteous citizens more to police the more realistic people on. You all know the goody two-shoes asserting their unsolicited opinions all the time? "Why do you need to get high? Blah blah blah I watch Dawson's Creek and wear a promise ring." Here's how you handle those people: you feed them hash brownies. Anybody with THAT much free time to crusade against something that's not causing any harm against anyone should MapQuest the nearest cliff and jump.

What are the cons? Seriously? Sure, the smell lingers but so does cigarette smoke, and cigarette's are still perfectly legal. If you don't agree with smoking marijuana, don't do it. It's that simple. No really. It is.

Until next time folks. Remember to laugh. There's always someone uglier than you.

If you have any topics you'd like to see discussed, drop a comment or hit me up on twitter (

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Mirror Time

It's been over a week since my last post, and some of you have grown impatient with me, and for that I apologize. The kind of apology you give because your mother made you, not the kind you really mean. I got stuff to do. Not really. I just got lazy. Sue me. On a seriouser note (eff you, poetic license), I genuinely appreciate the interest and support all of you have shown for this blog. You could read anyone's banter, but you've chosen to read mine, and for that I apologize.

Back to the blogging.

Rapper Stayve "Slim Thug" Thomas recently ruffled some lace fronts with comments he made regarding dating women of different races. In short, he basically asserted that black women demanded more while contributing less, while white women were more into putting into relationships than taking from relationships. People (and by people, I mean angry black women) were quick to jump down his throat for his comments without trying to understand where he was coming from. I'm not here to defend or attack his stance. I'm here to say that the angry reactions told more than he did.


For starters, he's Slim Thug. Say that out loud. "Slim Thug." Why should we give a flying 747 monkey sh*t about anything he has to say that isn't chopped and screwed?

But more importantly, any person with ANY ounce of self awareness will not react with such resentment to a comment they believe is clearly false. Need an example?

Let's say Slim Thug walks up to me right now and calls me a "honky midget b*tch." I promise you I wouldn't care. Why? Because I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, with absolutely certainty that I am a 6' tall, black male. I know his statement to be erroneous, and any person with a half a brain can see the same, so I would be wasting my breath in refuting such a claim.

Now, if I could possibly be mistaken for a caucasian dwarf, we would have another situation on our hands. I might find myself frantically trying to poke holes in the assertion Mr. Thug has just made. Either I am indeed a caucasian dwarf, or I have left room for misinterpretation.

My point is this: if someone says something about you that you know to be false, it shouldn't bother you. If you have represented yourself in the way that you desire, and in a way that your family would be okay with, then surely the rest of the the world can see through such an outrageous claim. No one is going to call Michelle Obama a hoe. Oprah Winfrey is not a gold digger. O.J. Simpson is not a criminal. Okay, well MAYBE he killed that white girl, but he didn't rob those dudes in the hotel. How can you "steal" your own stuff? But we digress.

If there is one inkling of resentment in your soul, then perhaps you should turn that resentment into motivation to carry yourself in the way you wish to be remembered. In other words, quit being a b*tch and let your actions speak for you.

I'm not saying that you should adapt a facade or anything of the sort. Some people are just genuinely bad people. Such is life. If you are a bad person, you can't really be upset with Mr. Thug calling you out on your gold digging tendencies now can you?

Long story short: nobody wants to hear you whine over he say/she say. People will think what they want. But if it walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it's PROBABLY a f*ckin duck. Don't cry wolf when your cover get's blown. Respect starts with the person in the mirror.

Until next time folks. Remember to laugh. There's always someone uglier than you.

If you have any topics you'd like to see discussed, drop a comment or hit me up on twitter (

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

These Damned Kids

I know this argument has been going on for years, but people:
PLEASE beat your kids.

I didn't say abuse. But a little spanking or belt action never killed anybody. And if it did, they probably weren't going to last too long anyway.

"Rude, where is this coming from?" you might ask. Well, I'm watching this show called "World's Strictest Parents" on the CMT channel where they take bad ass kids and put them in homes with strict parents for the week, and as you watch, you can't help but mumble obscenities under your breath about what would've happened to you if you had the nerve of these kids when you were younger for a whole hour.

If these kids got beat early enough, there's no need for this show. For the first time in this blog, I will use a story from my personal experiences to illustrate my point.

When I was younger (about 4 or 5), I loved pop-tarts. Scratch that, I STILL love pop-tarts, and there's nothing wrong with that. In fact, there's something wrong with you if you don't. Anyhow, one time, I was feeling independent enough to help myself to some pop-tarts. I got bold enough to take a whole pack, with TWO whole pop-tarts in it. That's right. Thug life. Well, momma caught me with a couple of pop-tarts in my hands and realized she had given me permission to do no such thing. She told my daddy, and daddy ain't play that. I got my hind parts reddened on the spot. Right away. The messed up part is, they couldn't even wait 10 minutes for him to finish his bowel movement. I got whooped over my father's lap WHILE he was taking a sh*t. I don't even think it hurt that bad. But I'll be damned if I EVER forget that whooping.

That was about 15 years ago. And for 15 years, I've thought twice about ever single bite of every single pop-tart I've ever taken. I'll be 20 years old in a couple of months, and I'm FINALLY beginning to understand that I can eat pop-tarts when I want now. It's still a little to risky for my liking though, so I have a little template saved in my phone asking my mother for permission to eat pop-tarts. Even when I'm away at school.

My point is this: that whooping didn't kill me. Traumatize me? Absolutely. Hell, that may very well be what's wrong with me today, BUT I'm very much a functional human being.

We've ALL seen the bad ass kids in the grocery stores and malls of our cities. We're always SO quick to judge. Don't judge that parent, because you have NO idea what they've been through or what they're going through. Don't interfere. Just trip that kid when you get a chance. Don't make it obvious or anything. Just... ya know? Kinda get your foot just into their path of destruction and apologize like your life depended on it afterwards.

Now before you judge me for this little bit of advice, I did some SERIOUS soul searching before I published this post. I checked the Bible, Koran, AND Torah, and there's ABSOLUTELY nothing in any of those books forbidding you to trip people's kids. Look at it like this: the more children we trip now, the less brats we have running around our streets and prisons.

Here's what I want you to take away from today's post: if the thought of your kids getting tripped in public bothers you, beat your kids. You're welcome.

Until next time folks. Remember to laugh. There's always someone uglier than you.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Why We Should Be Ashamed of Carfax

Before we begin:

First and foremost, I would like to thank all of you for all of the positive reviews you've given this blog, and the all around support I've seen for it. Whether you've tweeted about it, emailed a friend about it, or whatever, I would like to thank you. It is a truly humbling feeling, and for those of you who know me, you all know I'm not very easily humbled. This is a foreign feeling to me, and honestly it kinda makes my stomach hurt. Not sure if I like it or not yet...

Secondly, I'd like to thank a reader for bringing a couple of spelling/grammatical errors (that have since been corrected) to my attention, and to deliver a giant middle finger to the rest of you who let me keep posting like I was Lil' Duval.

Nextly (I know it's not a word... but it should be), I know I said a post a day, and I faltered. I ran into a few technical difficulties. Chalk it up to a holiday weekend shall we? In any case, I'd like to apologize to anyone who checked in and was greeted by a giant batch of disappointment. Get over it.

Lastly, I hope all of you had a horrible Memorial Day weekend. Why? Because I still saw a few lace fronts out there, and I'm holding YOU ALL accountable.


How many of you have seen the commercials for (or even used) Carfax? You know the little service that gives you a vehicle's history report? It gives you a list of all the stops the car has made in its previous ownership, anything the DMV has to report on it, some accidents the car may have been in, etc.

The idea being that there may be something about that car that would prevent you from wanting anything to do with it, so that you don't fall in love with extractive exterior of a car, and find out that there's nothing but sh*t under the hood. See where I'm going yet? Please say yes. No? Well I'll hurry up and get to it.

WHAT IF there were Carfax for people?

WHAT IF before we came involved with a person, we could read a report of everyone they had been involved with before, any problems they may have had with them, EVERY test result ever, etc.

Here's what I think would happen: NOTHING. Absolutely nothing would change. Why? Because people are born inherently... for lack of a better word, stubborn (For the record, there's a much better word. It's "retarded." But I was trying to be politically correct.) I put it to you that we could know EVERYTHING about a person's past, and it wouldn't change our decision in the least. Don't believe me? Let's take a look at a few scenarios.

"I know he got like 5 kids, and he don't really take care o' alla dem, but he is soooooo fine and sweet, n I feel like he really gon be different this time around, gurrrrl."

**Carfax translation**: I know it's been in a few too many accidents, and they didn't really fix all the dings the right way, but it's a really cute car, and these leather seats can't be passed on. I'm sure those dents and leaky pumps will magically fix themselves eventually.

"Dog, I know what you heard, but she ain't no hoe no mo', and besides, DID YOU SEE DAT ASS?!"

**Carfax translation**: Yes, the car has 500,000 miles on it, BUT IT'S STILL A LEXUS!"

Sounds kinda stupid right? Yes, those were extreme examples, BUT we all do it. EVERYONE.

Truth is, there are Carfax for people. Maybe they're not printed out in black and white for you to see (one of you should try that, I feel like there's money to be made there), but there ARE warning signs that we try to justify with the (often superficial) positive qualities we fall head over heels for. That's not a bad thing. Often, people deserve second chances.

But, would you ever go back to the dealer with this complaint: "I know you said this car has had transmission problems on 5 different occasions, but I'm schocked that the transmission would blow out on me like this!"? If you can honestly answer that question with a yes, I'm going to politely ask you to stick to public transportation for the safety of the other drivers on the road.

Likewise, if you're going to ignore warning signs in the people you choose to deal with and still narrate the same "woman (or man) scorned" story, I'm kindly asking you to silence yourself permanently. Yes, it takes two to tango. But it only takes one person to be a grade-A, unsolicited, moron. And honestly, that's what ignoring some of these warning signs boils down to. Stupidity. And you can be stupid in a room by yourself.

So what these Carfax commercials have brought to my attention, is that people are more selective with their CARS, than the company they choose to surround themselves with, and THAT is why we should be ashamed of Carfax. We don't deserve them, because we use them when they matter least.

BUT some wise Indian fella by the name of Mohandas Gandhi once proclaimed that:
You must be the change you wish to see in the world.

I say that to say this: if you're tired of seeing stupid people doing stupid things and making the world that much more difficult, stop doing stupid sh*t. Read the damned Carfax.

Until next time folks. Remember to laugh. There's always someone uglier than you.

(P.S.: The last couple of posts have been reader suggested topics. If there's a topic you'd like to see on this blog, feel free to e-mail me at or drop a line on twitter @MindjaBiznis)

Friday, May 28, 2010

Memorial Day 101

I'm well aware that memorial day weekend is upon us. Quick question: aside from the obvious implications that the name provides, how many of you know ANYTHING about memorial day? When was it first started? Why did we start celebrating? Don't worry, I'll wait.

Fret not, not even someone as ingenious as I knew the answer to these questions before consulting the world's most reliable source of everyday knowledge: Wikipedia. So, it'd be rather hypocritical of me to preach about our ignorance of such a holiday.

Instead, out of respect for those who've died while fighting for our country (sorry to any foreign readers I may have who's native land's holidays are significantly suckier than ours) I will offer you some pointers about what to do and what not to do during this hallowed weekend.

DO NOT: Get the lace front re-done ladies. the novelty has worn off, and even white people are starting to laugh. As a matter of fact, you might want to stay away from the glue-in tracks too. It's kinda hot, and we don't want any accidents.

As a matter of fact, change of plans on this whole post. No more do's and don'ts, I fear this monster alone may be too much to tackle. One step at a time.

I'm not even gonna ask you all not to act out like we know you will. That's a battle I'm not willing to fight. But I am asking that you, check that, DEMANDING that you reprimand any and everyone you see with a lace front. All that stuff I said in the last post about other people's opinion not mattering? F*ck that. This is AMERICA we're talking about. We're remembering those who died for our freedom, and these people are wasting freedom on LACE FRONTS! That is Un-American. Literally. Those things are Asian. I love our friends of the orient as much as the next, but this is memorial day weekend, and if you love America like I do, you won't tolerate lace fronts on this sacred weekend either.

This is a call to arms. When you run into those renegades who have ignored my request, and worn lace fronts this weekend, I ask that you raise your right hand, place it on their forehead, pray for them, then snatch that sh*t right off the dome. I'm so mad right now, I don't even remember what I started out writing about.

Long story short, f*ck lace fronts, Happy Memorial Day, and GOD BLESS AMERICA.... no.... you didn't miss the insightful message burried in this blog. Just stop the foolish lacefronts. That's it. Oh yeah, and Coogi too. Don't let anyone fool you, we're not wearing that anymore.

Until next time folks. Remember to laugh. There's always someone uglier than you. And they're probably wearing a lace front to further accentuate their unfortunate face.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Rude's Theory of Relevancy

Another day another topic. I'm trying to do a post a day until you people realize I'm forreal about this blogging stuff. Those of you who know me know I'm pretty anti-blogger because most people just get on here and sound like fruit cups. Then a friend of mine (over at, you should check him out) showed me what blogging could be. But we digress.

No, the title is not in error. I am aware that Einstein's theory was of RELATIVITY and not relevancy. Why I am aware of that? Because I'm probably smarter than you. There it is. I said it. But we digress.

All to often, people are deterred from doing what they really want to do because of how others will view it. The fear of being judged stops us on a constant basis. Let's pause for a minute. Why should what anyone thinks have ANY bearing on what you do? I'll give you the only three reasons I could come up with:

1) The person in question is in a position to end my life.

You hold a gun to my head, I'm probably not gonna act on too many impulses. Unless defecating on myself counts as acting on impulse.

2) I love the person in question.

I mean STRONG love. Either I came out of your womb, we came out of the same womb, or I came in your womb (on purpose of course).

3) The person in question is in a position to make my life better.
...and by "make my life better", I mean pay me.

If a person falls under none of these three categories, their opinion might as well go in a fortune cookie.

I mean no disrespect to my fellow citizens of the world, but there are about 6.7 billion people on this planet (300 million in this country alone), and not nearly enough time for me to pretend to care about all of your opinions.

"Rude, you talk a lot dude, can you get to the point?"
Firstly, if that's what you were thinking, screw you. This is my blog and I say what I want in as many words as I please.
Secondly, my point is this: do what the hell you want.

Unless someone falls into one of the aforementioned categories, there is NO reason they should stop you from doing any and everything you want to do. Their opinion is irrelevant. Yes people will judge you, but until I'm in a position to marry, kill, or hire you, what difference does it make if I think you're a hoe, a clown, a jackass or whatever people may think you are?

This doesn't go to say that you should burn every bridge you have, but hell, most of us have too many bridges anyway, and over accommodation is one of the world's most overlooked problems (there's nothing wrong with loving from a distance).

I guess this all stems from my dealings with a bunch of people pleasers. If you're NOT a people pleaser, you can disregard the following message, but: working towards the goal of satisfying others can only bring you so close towards your own satisfaction before you spiral in the opposite direction (and there aren't too many people looking out for your satisfaction outside of the people in two out of the three aforementioned categories).

So I guess the moral of today's rambling is this: f*ck what everyone thinks, live your life, have fun, be happy.

Until next time folks. Remember to laugh. There's always someone uglier than you.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Making Lemonade

You remember Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh? Snuffleupagus from Sesame Street? I f*ckin hated those guys. Still do. Always put a damper on an otherwise splendid day.

"What's your point?" you might ask. My point is this: don't be a b*tch. No one likes a b*tch. B*tches get precipitated on in music videos. B*tches get turned into puppets in jail. B*tches die lonely with just their mother at the funeral shaking her head mumbling "I'ma miss that lil' b*tch." You don't want that do you?

I bring this up because I'm noticing an increase of weak people just roaming around. Getting punched in the face by the monster we call life, putting their hands in their pockets, and moping around looking for other people to hang their heads with.


Life is NOT easy. We live on the same planet the crusades, bubonic plague, slavery, the Holocaust, the 9/11 attacks, and conservative talk radio occurred on. No matter what your belief is, there are two guaranteed constants in life: the sun, and lemons. Without the sun, we all die. Without lemons, you're dreaming. Life will NEVER stop throwing lemons at you, and you can only make but so much lemonade before you get just as sick of it as you are the lemons this b*tch just threw at you. (Side note: If you ever have the opportunity to throw an abundance of lemons at someone, I strongly suggest that you try it. It's unbelievably amusing, and I can see why life keeps doing it. Seriously, I'm not even mad at life anymore. I'm just jealous. I'm not gonna have a college fund for my kids. You guessed it. A lemon fund.)

Here's another lemon: life on this planet isn't about to magically get any easier after 4.6 billion years of lemon tossing. Here is my suggestion to you: start selling lemons. Be resourceful.

On second thought, I've rolled with that metaphor a little to long, so here's what I'm getting at: stop being a b*tch.

Fail outta school? Do you know how much money you just saved?!
Your dog died? That sucks, but there's A LOT of damned dogs out there. It's not even like you birthed it.
Your lover left you? Hey, at least you weren't married yet, because I'd kill whoever tried to take half my sh*t.
You just got divorced and she took half your sh*t? Hey, OJ got away with it and with a little help and some undersized gloves, so can you.

Sure, I'm oversimplifying this for brevity's sake, but the point is the same. In millions and millions of years, pretty much EVERY scenario has been covered. And I'm here to tell you with 69% certainty that hanging their head and dragging their feet never helped anyone get through any of those circumstances any easier.

ONLY THE STRONG WILL SURVIVE. Check that, only the strong WILLED survive.

I'm not going to lie and tell you that you can accomplish ANYTHING you want to with the right attitude. I'm a realist. But I PROMISE you that you'd be surprised how much you can accomplish when you decide that NO ONE can stop you, which IS true. There is NO man walking this Earth with the ability to deter me from any goal I set for myself, only circumstances. And when these circumstances confront you, it is your choice as to whether or not you wanna be a b*tch about it.

That was kind of a blunt ending, but I think I got my point across. And just in case you missed it and you ONLY read this one line, this is what I want you to take away:

Until next time folks. Remember to laugh. There's always someone uglier than you.

5 Things About Relationships the Magazines Won't Tell You

Before we get into things, I would like to tell you that I would not make the mistake of advising you based on MY prior experiences. Why? Because I have created a lane for myself. A lane in which the good hands of All-State insurance couldn't cover you should you dare to swerve (they better pay me for the shout out). I pretty much do and say whatever I want with little to no consequences. I can't tell you how that works for me, because I don't know. But it does. So no, this isn't me giving you tips I've learned from my own mistakes (because I don't make mistakes), but things I have learned through my observations as a citizen of the world. Let's commence, shall we?

5. Relationships should be gradual.
How gradual? VERY gradual. Hell, if you're not married, and you can pinpoint a date where your relationship began, you're probably doing it wrong. People set themselves up by this myth about becoming "official" and jumping into some imaginary pool that is a relationship. The only way to become "official" is to put a ring on it. This isn't to say that you shouldn't become exclusive and all that until you're married, but that IF the feelings are genuine, you won't have to ask for all of the benefits. They'll occur naturally and you'll never have to wonder if any of it is forced.

4. "Bros Before Hoes"/ Whatever corny alternative girls are using is a good M.O.
This motto can only logically be applied when there is a choice to be made. Now, I make this claim in reference to your TRUE friends. Those in your inner circle who you trust the most. If those friends are friends that would put you in positions to compromise your happiness on a regular enough basis for this to cause a problem, then you have another issue on hand. BUT, if you have surrounded yourself with solid friends and a love interest comes into the picture and you find yourself constantly having to choose between the two, YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG. Girlfriends/boyfriends come and go, but your friends are supposed to stay there through thick and thin. Keep in mind, these are the same friends you'll need to lean on when said girlfriend/boyfriend does you in. Think about it.

3. Women can't have it both ways.
It's 2010. If you can run for president, you can pay for dinner, make the first move, and all that good stuff every now and then. This doesn't mean chivalry is dead. It means we don't live in 17th century England, and if you want to live there, you should try the Amish life. I hear it's pretty close.

People are ENTIRELY too dependent on their significant others. If you "can't live without them," YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG! That's not a partner. That's a child. You should complement each other, not complete each other.

1. Facebook CAN ruin you.
Your relationship shouldn't be a headline in someone else's newsfeed. What other people think of you is none of your business. A relationship is between TWO people. Not between those two people and 1,946 facebook friends. Everyone has an opinion, and the vast majority of the time we give other people's opinions WAY more weight than they deserve. And changing your relationship status looks childish. Those who NEED to know, should find out through other means, like this old fashioned thing called a conversation. All of these things compiled with the fact that Mark Zuckerberg is an asshole should be enough red flags to keep your relationships off the interwebs.

P.S. If EVERY status is "I love *blankety blank*" you look stupid. WE don't need to know that. He/she does. Call his/her ass and tell them that yourself.

I didn't really cover all the bases here, BUT I am a real person. You know, with a life and stuff, and things to do. So this concludes today's post and the first REAL post of Real Rime with Ralph Rude. Feel free to question, comment, criticize, and all of that.

If you have any questions or topics you want to see addressed, feel free to send them over to and I'll see what I can do.

Until next time folks. Remember to laugh. There's always someone uglier than you.


The name is Trey. No one calls me Ralph Rude. I just like how it sounds (maybe it'll catch on).
I'm a 19 year old college sophomore at the University of Miami.
I call Richmond, VA home when I feel like it.
My head plays host to some of the most random, yet real thoughts possible, and I find it unforgivably selfish to be so young and wise and not share my insight with the rest of you.

From now until I feel like stopping, this blog will be a museum for all that I have to say, open to any questions, comments, criticism, and curse words you may have as a result.

Don't take anything I say personally. I mean you can if you want, but there's a 97% chance I won't care if you do, so it'd kinda be a waste of time is my point.

Life is hard. Get a condom.