Friday, May 28, 2010

Memorial Day 101

I'm well aware that memorial day weekend is upon us. Quick question: aside from the obvious implications that the name provides, how many of you know ANYTHING about memorial day? When was it first started? Why did we start celebrating? Don't worry, I'll wait.

Fret not, not even someone as ingenious as I knew the answer to these questions before consulting the world's most reliable source of everyday knowledge: Wikipedia. So, it'd be rather hypocritical of me to preach about our ignorance of such a holiday.

Instead, out of respect for those who've died while fighting for our country (sorry to any foreign readers I may have who's native land's holidays are significantly suckier than ours) I will offer you some pointers about what to do and what not to do during this hallowed weekend.

DO NOT: Get the lace front re-done ladies. the novelty has worn off, and even white people are starting to laugh. As a matter of fact, you might want to stay away from the glue-in tracks too. It's kinda hot, and we don't want any accidents.

As a matter of fact, change of plans on this whole post. No more do's and don'ts, I fear this monster alone may be too much to tackle. One step at a time.

I'm not even gonna ask you all not to act out like we know you will. That's a battle I'm not willing to fight. But I am asking that you, check that, DEMANDING that you reprimand any and everyone you see with a lace front. All that stuff I said in the last post about other people's opinion not mattering? F*ck that. This is AMERICA we're talking about. We're remembering those who died for our freedom, and these people are wasting freedom on LACE FRONTS! That is Un-American. Literally. Those things are Asian. I love our friends of the orient as much as the next, but this is memorial day weekend, and if you love America like I do, you won't tolerate lace fronts on this sacred weekend either.

This is a call to arms. When you run into those renegades who have ignored my request, and worn lace fronts this weekend, I ask that you raise your right hand, place it on their forehead, pray for them, then snatch that sh*t right off the dome. I'm so mad right now, I don't even remember what I started out writing about.

Long story short, f*ck lace fronts, Happy Memorial Day, and GOD BLESS AMERICA.... no.... you didn't miss the insightful message burried in this blog. Just stop the foolish lacefronts. That's it. Oh yeah, and Coogi too. Don't let anyone fool you, we're not wearing that anymore.

Until next time folks. Remember to laugh. There's always someone uglier than you. And they're probably wearing a lace front to further accentuate their unfortunate face.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Rude's Theory of Relevancy

Another day another topic. I'm trying to do a post a day until you people realize I'm forreal about this blogging stuff. Those of you who know me know I'm pretty anti-blogger because most people just get on here and sound like fruit cups. Then a friend of mine (over at, you should check him out) showed me what blogging could be. But we digress.

No, the title is not in error. I am aware that Einstein's theory was of RELATIVITY and not relevancy. Why I am aware of that? Because I'm probably smarter than you. There it is. I said it. But we digress.

All to often, people are deterred from doing what they really want to do because of how others will view it. The fear of being judged stops us on a constant basis. Let's pause for a minute. Why should what anyone thinks have ANY bearing on what you do? I'll give you the only three reasons I could come up with:

1) The person in question is in a position to end my life.

You hold a gun to my head, I'm probably not gonna act on too many impulses. Unless defecating on myself counts as acting on impulse.

2) I love the person in question.

I mean STRONG love. Either I came out of your womb, we came out of the same womb, or I came in your womb (on purpose of course).

3) The person in question is in a position to make my life better.
...and by "make my life better", I mean pay me.

If a person falls under none of these three categories, their opinion might as well go in a fortune cookie.

I mean no disrespect to my fellow citizens of the world, but there are about 6.7 billion people on this planet (300 million in this country alone), and not nearly enough time for me to pretend to care about all of your opinions.

"Rude, you talk a lot dude, can you get to the point?"
Firstly, if that's what you were thinking, screw you. This is my blog and I say what I want in as many words as I please.
Secondly, my point is this: do what the hell you want.

Unless someone falls into one of the aforementioned categories, there is NO reason they should stop you from doing any and everything you want to do. Their opinion is irrelevant. Yes people will judge you, but until I'm in a position to marry, kill, or hire you, what difference does it make if I think you're a hoe, a clown, a jackass or whatever people may think you are?

This doesn't go to say that you should burn every bridge you have, but hell, most of us have too many bridges anyway, and over accommodation is one of the world's most overlooked problems (there's nothing wrong with loving from a distance).

I guess this all stems from my dealings with a bunch of people pleasers. If you're NOT a people pleaser, you can disregard the following message, but: working towards the goal of satisfying others can only bring you so close towards your own satisfaction before you spiral in the opposite direction (and there aren't too many people looking out for your satisfaction outside of the people in two out of the three aforementioned categories).

So I guess the moral of today's rambling is this: f*ck what everyone thinks, live your life, have fun, be happy.

Until next time folks. Remember to laugh. There's always someone uglier than you.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Making Lemonade

You remember Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh? Snuffleupagus from Sesame Street? I f*ckin hated those guys. Still do. Always put a damper on an otherwise splendid day.

"What's your point?" you might ask. My point is this: don't be a b*tch. No one likes a b*tch. B*tches get precipitated on in music videos. B*tches get turned into puppets in jail. B*tches die lonely with just their mother at the funeral shaking her head mumbling "I'ma miss that lil' b*tch." You don't want that do you?

I bring this up because I'm noticing an increase of weak people just roaming around. Getting punched in the face by the monster we call life, putting their hands in their pockets, and moping around looking for other people to hang their heads with.


Life is NOT easy. We live on the same planet the crusades, bubonic plague, slavery, the Holocaust, the 9/11 attacks, and conservative talk radio occurred on. No matter what your belief is, there are two guaranteed constants in life: the sun, and lemons. Without the sun, we all die. Without lemons, you're dreaming. Life will NEVER stop throwing lemons at you, and you can only make but so much lemonade before you get just as sick of it as you are the lemons this b*tch just threw at you. (Side note: If you ever have the opportunity to throw an abundance of lemons at someone, I strongly suggest that you try it. It's unbelievably amusing, and I can see why life keeps doing it. Seriously, I'm not even mad at life anymore. I'm just jealous. I'm not gonna have a college fund for my kids. You guessed it. A lemon fund.)

Here's another lemon: life on this planet isn't about to magically get any easier after 4.6 billion years of lemon tossing. Here is my suggestion to you: start selling lemons. Be resourceful.

On second thought, I've rolled with that metaphor a little to long, so here's what I'm getting at: stop being a b*tch.

Fail outta school? Do you know how much money you just saved?!
Your dog died? That sucks, but there's A LOT of damned dogs out there. It's not even like you birthed it.
Your lover left you? Hey, at least you weren't married yet, because I'd kill whoever tried to take half my sh*t.
You just got divorced and she took half your sh*t? Hey, OJ got away with it and with a little help and some undersized gloves, so can you.

Sure, I'm oversimplifying this for brevity's sake, but the point is the same. In millions and millions of years, pretty much EVERY scenario has been covered. And I'm here to tell you with 69% certainty that hanging their head and dragging their feet never helped anyone get through any of those circumstances any easier.

ONLY THE STRONG WILL SURVIVE. Check that, only the strong WILLED survive.

I'm not going to lie and tell you that you can accomplish ANYTHING you want to with the right attitude. I'm a realist. But I PROMISE you that you'd be surprised how much you can accomplish when you decide that NO ONE can stop you, which IS true. There is NO man walking this Earth with the ability to deter me from any goal I set for myself, only circumstances. And when these circumstances confront you, it is your choice as to whether or not you wanna be a b*tch about it.

That was kind of a blunt ending, but I think I got my point across. And just in case you missed it and you ONLY read this one line, this is what I want you to take away:

Until next time folks. Remember to laugh. There's always someone uglier than you.

5 Things About Relationships the Magazines Won't Tell You

Before we get into things, I would like to tell you that I would not make the mistake of advising you based on MY prior experiences. Why? Because I have created a lane for myself. A lane in which the good hands of All-State insurance couldn't cover you should you dare to swerve (they better pay me for the shout out). I pretty much do and say whatever I want with little to no consequences. I can't tell you how that works for me, because I don't know. But it does. So no, this isn't me giving you tips I've learned from my own mistakes (because I don't make mistakes), but things I have learned through my observations as a citizen of the world. Let's commence, shall we?

5. Relationships should be gradual.
How gradual? VERY gradual. Hell, if you're not married, and you can pinpoint a date where your relationship began, you're probably doing it wrong. People set themselves up by this myth about becoming "official" and jumping into some imaginary pool that is a relationship. The only way to become "official" is to put a ring on it. This isn't to say that you shouldn't become exclusive and all that until you're married, but that IF the feelings are genuine, you won't have to ask for all of the benefits. They'll occur naturally and you'll never have to wonder if any of it is forced.

4. "Bros Before Hoes"/ Whatever corny alternative girls are using is a good M.O.
This motto can only logically be applied when there is a choice to be made. Now, I make this claim in reference to your TRUE friends. Those in your inner circle who you trust the most. If those friends are friends that would put you in positions to compromise your happiness on a regular enough basis for this to cause a problem, then you have another issue on hand. BUT, if you have surrounded yourself with solid friends and a love interest comes into the picture and you find yourself constantly having to choose between the two, YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG. Girlfriends/boyfriends come and go, but your friends are supposed to stay there through thick and thin. Keep in mind, these are the same friends you'll need to lean on when said girlfriend/boyfriend does you in. Think about it.

3. Women can't have it both ways.
It's 2010. If you can run for president, you can pay for dinner, make the first move, and all that good stuff every now and then. This doesn't mean chivalry is dead. It means we don't live in 17th century England, and if you want to live there, you should try the Amish life. I hear it's pretty close.

People are ENTIRELY too dependent on their significant others. If you "can't live without them," YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG! That's not a partner. That's a child. You should complement each other, not complete each other.

1. Facebook CAN ruin you.
Your relationship shouldn't be a headline in someone else's newsfeed. What other people think of you is none of your business. A relationship is between TWO people. Not between those two people and 1,946 facebook friends. Everyone has an opinion, and the vast majority of the time we give other people's opinions WAY more weight than they deserve. And changing your relationship status looks childish. Those who NEED to know, should find out through other means, like this old fashioned thing called a conversation. All of these things compiled with the fact that Mark Zuckerberg is an asshole should be enough red flags to keep your relationships off the interwebs.

P.S. If EVERY status is "I love *blankety blank*" you look stupid. WE don't need to know that. He/she does. Call his/her ass and tell them that yourself.

I didn't really cover all the bases here, BUT I am a real person. You know, with a life and stuff, and things to do. So this concludes today's post and the first REAL post of Real Rime with Ralph Rude. Feel free to question, comment, criticize, and all of that.

If you have any questions or topics you want to see addressed, feel free to send them over to and I'll see what I can do.

Until next time folks. Remember to laugh. There's always someone uglier than you.


The name is Trey. No one calls me Ralph Rude. I just like how it sounds (maybe it'll catch on).
I'm a 19 year old college sophomore at the University of Miami.
I call Richmond, VA home when I feel like it.
My head plays host to some of the most random, yet real thoughts possible, and I find it unforgivably selfish to be so young and wise and not share my insight with the rest of you.

From now until I feel like stopping, this blog will be a museum for all that I have to say, open to any questions, comments, criticism, and curse words you may have as a result.

Don't take anything I say personally. I mean you can if you want, but there's a 97% chance I won't care if you do, so it'd kinda be a waste of time is my point.

Life is hard. Get a condom.