Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Making Lemonade

You remember Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh? Snuffleupagus from Sesame Street? I f*ckin hated those guys. Still do. Always put a damper on an otherwise splendid day.

"What's your point?" you might ask. My point is this: don't be a b*tch. No one likes a b*tch. B*tches get precipitated on in music videos. B*tches get turned into puppets in jail. B*tches die lonely with just their mother at the funeral shaking her head mumbling "I'ma miss that lil' b*tch." You don't want that do you?

I bring this up because I'm noticing an increase of weak people just roaming around. Getting punched in the face by the monster we call life, putting their hands in their pockets, and moping around looking for other people to hang their heads with.


Life is NOT easy. We live on the same planet the crusades, bubonic plague, slavery, the Holocaust, the 9/11 attacks, and conservative talk radio occurred on. No matter what your belief is, there are two guaranteed constants in life: the sun, and lemons. Without the sun, we all die. Without lemons, you're dreaming. Life will NEVER stop throwing lemons at you, and you can only make but so much lemonade before you get just as sick of it as you are the lemons this b*tch just threw at you. (Side note: If you ever have the opportunity to throw an abundance of lemons at someone, I strongly suggest that you try it. It's unbelievably amusing, and I can see why life keeps doing it. Seriously, I'm not even mad at life anymore. I'm just jealous. I'm not gonna have a college fund for my kids. You guessed it. A lemon fund.)

Here's another lemon: life on this planet isn't about to magically get any easier after 4.6 billion years of lemon tossing. Here is my suggestion to you: start selling lemons. Be resourceful.

On second thought, I've rolled with that metaphor a little to long, so here's what I'm getting at: stop being a b*tch.

Fail outta school? Do you know how much money you just saved?!
Your dog died? That sucks, but there's A LOT of damned dogs out there. It's not even like you birthed it.
Your lover left you? Hey, at least you weren't married yet, because I'd kill whoever tried to take half my sh*t.
You just got divorced and she took half your sh*t? Hey, OJ got away with it and with a little help and some undersized gloves, so can you.

Sure, I'm oversimplifying this for brevity's sake, but the point is the same. In millions and millions of years, pretty much EVERY scenario has been covered. And I'm here to tell you with 69% certainty that hanging their head and dragging their feet never helped anyone get through any of those circumstances any easier.

ONLY THE STRONG WILL SURVIVE. Check that, only the strong WILLED survive.

I'm not going to lie and tell you that you can accomplish ANYTHING you want to with the right attitude. I'm a realist. But I PROMISE you that you'd be surprised how much you can accomplish when you decide that NO ONE can stop you, which IS true. There is NO man walking this Earth with the ability to deter me from any goal I set for myself, only circumstances. And when these circumstances confront you, it is your choice as to whether or not you wanna be a b*tch about it.

That was kind of a blunt ending, but I think I got my point across. And just in case you missed it and you ONLY read this one line, this is what I want you to take away:

Until next time folks. Remember to laugh. There's always someone uglier than you.

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