Tuesday, June 12, 2012

How the Internet Ruined Cool Shit

Almost two years since my last post.

Why? Because.

Because the internet ruined cool shit. Forever.
It's so easy for everyone to make whack shit now and share it with the world. SO EASY.

Once upon a time, you had to go through the process of making whack shit, hoping someone important with a bit of extra money would notice your whack shit, and use their money/networking to help spread your whack shit to the masses.

NOW?! Now you can say/do some whack shit on twitter to a bunch of followers who can spread your whack shit even further with the click of a button, and BAM, now your whack shit is cool shit.

Maybe this is the pot calling a bunch of kettles black. Maybe this blog is whack (in which case I'd like to blame all of you, for I am merely a product of my environment).

Once upon a time in order for you to read this, I would've had to sit behind a computer the size of Texas, type this out, and submit it to a publisher of some sort.

Now? I did this from an iPad. Straight up. Nobody proofread this. Nobody checked behind me. This could be whack, and I wouldn't even know it. All of this because apparently, it wasn't enough to JUST make the internet. After they made the internet, they decided people couldn't share their whack shit quickly enough. They made the internet faster. THEN, they decided people shouldn't have to pay a bunch of money to use the internet, so prices started dropping, and broke folk started sharing their whack shit with rick folk, rich whack shit and broke whack shit just got all merged into a giant cornucopia of whack shit.

But wait... "why should I have to sit at this desk while I formulate and disseminate my whack shit?" said some super smart, super whack dude who decided to invent WiFi. "Aha! Now I can say and do whack shit from any of these beanbag chairs in the student commons as I watch TRL, and publish it without moving a muscle," he said with content.

"BUT WAIT!" said the people with the Nokia brick phones. "What if we could cut out the computer altogether and just skeet whack shit out of this cell phone?!" And the rest was history.

I took a hiatus from writing this blog because I lost the inspiration to write. There was so much whack shit parading around in cool shit's clothing, that it became difficult to distinguish the concepts I try to develop here from the sea of whack shit surrounding it. And that hasn't changed.

But I'm giving this another shot for all those who are tired of settling for whack shit. For people who feel entitled to the cool shit buried under this Wi-Fi cloud of whack shit. I'm giving this another shot in hopes that cool shit can become... well, COOL again.

Also, because I got super bored at work.

Until next time folks. Remember to laugh. There's always someone uglier than you.

If you have any topics you'd like to see discussed, drop a comment or hit me up on twitter (@RalphRudeSays).

Monday, August 2, 2010

Cat Ladies

It's been awhile since my last post. Some of you may think it's because I'm slacking. I'm here to refute that statement. Over the past three weeks, I've been conducting serious research on the phenomena that is the Cat Lady. You know? Everyone knows at least one person (usually a female) with way too many cats (or animals at all for that matter) who seem to think that the amount of time that they spend with them is perfectly normal. Don't get me wrong, I'm not advocating animal neglect or anything, but animals are not kids.

They have four legs and defecate in boxes. This love of felines is nothing new. Ancient Egyptian tombs have played host to mummified cats. What a sucky job. But the main point of the post is the cold hard rational, scientifically sound statistics I found during this research. So let's cut to the chase shall we?

Ladies, for EVERY cat you own, your chance of finding true love (CoFTL) decreases.

Here are the ratios of number of cats owned to the decrease in CoFTL (in percentage):

1 : 10%
2 : 20%
3 : 40%
4 : 80%
5+ : see picture of lady above and you tell me.

So there you have it people. Men lie, women lie (hell, even bloggers lie sometimes). But numbers don't.

Those numbers aren't even fully indicative of how detrimental this love of cats can be. What many of you assume is that you automatically started out with a CoFTL score of 100. This could not be further from the truth. I scored Halle Berry on the official CoFTL scale, and she came in at 95%. That means most of you regular people are PROBABLY maxing out around 83%. That's IF you're fine AND have a job. So after your first cat, you're ALREADY down to 73%. In college, that's a D.

Now you see why there's so many Asians? They eat their cats, so their CoFTL scores remain relatively unscathed, and they're reproducing like CRAZY because of it. True love all over that continent. If you hate Chinese slippers as much as I do (which you should), you'll box up all of your cats right now and ship them across the Pacific to level the playing fields a little bit.

You're probably just as startled by these results I was. So to help you understand why, it's because no sane person owns that many cats (or animals at all). Period. They may have started out sane, but with each and every one of those pets, another part of their cognitive abilities died. Don't believe me? Spend a day with one of these people. Look at the background of their laptop and cell phone. It's probably something furry. Look at them interact with these mammals/reptiles. They'll call them their "babies." They'll treat them like actual human children. I promise you, at least once, they will put their face level with the animal's snout, and kiss it on the mouth. They'll give you made up statistics about how sanitary the animal's mouth is to justify making out with a four legged creature. Don't let anyone fool you, that's gross.

But THEN, they'll start giving you insight on the animals emotions and feelings, because apparently everyone is a veterinary psychologist now except for me. I know when to feed them, when it's okay to touch them, and when I need to run. That's it. I can't tell you when they're getting divorced. These feline-philiacs will then tell you that their cat (or whatever animal) understands them, when in fact, these animals understand less about us than we understand about them. Yes they keep you company. It's not because they "love" you. It's because you keep feeding them and scratching them behind the ears.

Fact: if you keep feeding me and scratching me being my ears, I'll probably keep coming back for more. It's not because I love you. It's because I like food. And if it comes with being scratched behind the ears, then so be it.

What the evidence I've supplied you with means, is that these people have formed a dependency on their animals. They have basically given up on actual human relations. Cats are cop outs. They're easy. You don't have to work at it. You feed them, scratch them, and they "love you." Real love, much like anything else worth having in life, takes work.

All this being said, there's nothing wrong with owning a bunch of pets. Okay, I lied. There's plenty wrong with it. But I can't fault you. I guess my point is this: if your emotional release lies in the hands of four legged beings, please keep your crazy ass off the market.

Until next time folks. Remember to laugh. There's always someone uglier than you.

If you have any topics you'd like to see discussed, drop a comment or hit me up on twitter (twitter.com/RalphRudeSays)

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Entertainment Gone Too Far

So for those of you who do not live under a rock, you probably know LeBron James recently chose to join fellow NBA All-Stars Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh in playing with the Miami heat for the upcoming basketball season. Let's get a few things out of the way.

1) No, this is not going to be an entire blog about LeBron James. I'm as tired of hearing about it as you are.
2) There is absolutely no reason Dwyane Wade's name should be spelled like that. Between "LeBron" and "Dwyane" there are ALREADY six red squiggly lines in this blog post. Unacceptable.
3) My friend Dante provided the most accurate description of Chris Bosh I've heard to this point in my life. Sure, we already knew he looked like one of the things from "Avatar," but have you ever seen a homosexual velociraptor? Bam. Chris Bosh. What does that have to do with anything? Nothing. But this is my blog and I do what I want.


Perhaps the most disturbing thing to me about the whole situation is the reaction that the city of Cleveland had to LeBrenedict Arnold's flight. Don't get me wrong, it has all been nothing short of hilarious. Did you see the sign that Cleveland restaurant erected?! (Sorry, I've just been looking for a reason to use that word). But, some of the reactions have been downright extreme. Burning jerseys? Why would LeBron care? Did he pay for that? I'm fairly sure that NO ONE in Cleveland really has money to burn like that. If they did, they wouldn't live in Cleveland (why do you think LeBron left?). There were grown men. Crying. Over another grown man. That they've never met. Who didn't die. Now, trust me, I love sports as much as the next guy, but if Michael Jordon decided to gang up with Jesus Christ and play football for the University of Miami Hurricanes and then transfer to Florida State, I can count the number of tears I would shed on no hands. This really made me think of where people's priorities are.

We care SO much about these entertainers and such that we forget when to stop caring.

I once met a stripper who decided to tell me that she named her son LeBron. This bothered me for the following reasons:
1) I promise you I didn't go to the strip club to hear about anyone's personal life. That's what diaries are for.
2) She was a Mexican. How do you react to a Mexican baby named LeBron?!
3) LeBron could go on a rape and pillaging spree RIGHT NOW. Then she'd be stuck with a Mexican baby named after a ball player who just went on a rape and pillaging spree. Then what do you do? Not to mention your little LeBron could grow up to become a sports fanatic who cries when his favorite athlete leaves his favorite team. Then you have a grown ass crying Mexican named after a ball player notorious for going on a rape and pillaging spree on your hands, and no one knows how to handle that. Humans just aren't built for that.

I guess what I am trying to say is this: mind your business. Watching TV and all that stuff is cool, but when you turn it off you should go right back to living your own life in the real world so you don't do something stupid. Somewhere, there's a kid named Orenthal James, and his life is very difficult. Why? Because his parents were too busy living in TV land to stop being retarded.

Until next time folks. Remember to laugh. There's always someone uglier than you.

If you have any topics you'd like to see discussed, drop a comment or hit me up on twitter (twitter.com/RalphRudeSays)

Friday, July 2, 2010

The Great Gay Debate

So I've been considering starting a video blog for the past couple of days, and as a part of the process, I started browsing other video blogs on YouTube. In the process, I came across some enlightened negro going on about how being gay couldn't possibly be a choice because of something to do with evil demon spirits that Jesus wouldn't condone or some hogwash and I got angry.

First off, if I decide NOT to do the video blog, we can all blame that guy. I'd never want to come across as that bored or stupid.

Second, SINCE he got me so angry, here's my take on the never ending gay issue, and if you don't like talking about it, I suggest you exit now and carry on with your day as scheduled. No love lost.

As a heterosexual male, I actually don't care about what homosexuals do. It has nothing to do with me. Our paths really don't conflict. Well, not the males at least, you know? Because I like women, and they like men. Lesbians on the other hand, that's unfair competition, but I'm a huge fan of their movies, so they're okay with me.


Being that all of these homosexuals are off falling in love with each other, minding their own business, I see no reason why I cannot do the same. Why should I waste irreplaceable time out of my intrinsically valuable life to protest how someone else spends their equally valuable life? It's never really made since to me.

Let them marry. Gay people marrying has absolutely nothing to do with heterosexuals. I always hear this thing about preserving the "sanctity" of marriage as if homosexuals are the world's GREATEST threat to the "sanctity of marriage." Guys, Tiger Woods was married, had a separate caddy to tell him which white woman to use and is now on the verge of losing $750 million hot damned dollars because of it. In the long run, that BASICALLY makes Elin the world's most expensive pimp, in that she's collecting more than half a billion dollars from the work of OTHER females. It is THAT type of selfishness that is ruining the sanctity of marriage people. Both of these people are (supposedly) heterosexual.

In addition, why should what YOUR marriage means to YOU be affected by what other people are doing with THEIR marriages? That's just another classic case of people not being able to mind their own damned business. Your marriage's sanctity should speak for itself, and depend on YOUR actions, NOT the actions of two people of the same sex somewhere else. Marriage should not be a governable institution. University of Phoenix online should be a governable institution. Marriage should be a bond between two people, recognized and respected by others.

Now, a lot of people wonder why a gay person would chose to be gay. They never know the answer, they're just sure that at some point in time, a choice was made. To those people, I pose this question: At what point did you chose to be straight? I personally cannot pinpoint any point in my life where I sat down with a naked Barbie doll and a naked Ken doll in front of me, and played eenie-meenie-minie-moe or whatever to decide which anatomy I would forever be attracted to. It was always the boobies that got me. I can't help it. Til this day, I love boobs. Women are wonderful and I love them, and there's nothing I can do about it. And I'm a PRETTY strong person. Now, call me close minded or short sighted, but I don't really see how or why anyone could make a conscientious effort to suppress these strong biological and physical urges and go in the exact opposite direction with them. Yes, I am strongly asserting that people are born gay. No matter how hard I tried, if I went to a club tonight I could NOT leave with a dude. I just don't have it in me.

Now there's always a strong contingent of people who STILL refuse to rationally evaluate the case I just made, and for that contingent, I'll make things a little simpler for you. Most people have, at some point in their lives, been attracted to someone that they knew was not good for them. They weren't a good match, they were a b*tch, they were an assh*le, they had too many baby mamas/daddies, something of the sort. You knew it wasn't good for you, and you were attracted anyway. Why? Because people are born inherently retarded. And because you can't really help what you're attracted to. It's biology. (Let the record show that I'm not calling homosexuals retarded or saying that they're attracted to things that are bad for them. I was talking about people.)

I understand that my stance on the matter may be a little too liberal or radical for some to digest, and honestly if you can't get on board with it, that's fine. There's literally no use whatsoever in arguing to the death about an issue that has absolutely nothing to do with us. This debate is tantamount to 20 million dudes debating on which brand of tampons is the right one to use.

I guess my REAL point is this: if you have enough time to convince yourself that being gay is wrong and that gay marriage is going to be society's downfall, it's PROBABLY time for you to get a job.

Until next time folks. Remember to laugh. There's always someone uglier than you (and statistics say they're PROBABLY a heterosexual).

If you have any topics you'd like to see discussed, drop a comment or hit me up on twitter (twitter.com/RalphRudeSays)

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Don't Believe the Hype

A lot of times, people use music as a coping mechanism. There's music to match every single emotion imaginable. There's intelligent music, and there's ignorant music (the vast majority of which coming from Atlanta). There's peaceful music, and there's violent music. There's loving music, and there is angry, hateful music. There's music that was written with the purest, most genuine thought and sentiment possible. And then there's most music. It's just supposed to sound good so you'll buy it.

What's my point? My point is this: there are SO many people who look to music for motivation/assurance without entirely thinking of what the hell they're cosigning. Examples? I thought you'd never ask.

In a Drake song entitled "Find Your Love" he croons "I'm more than just an option (hey, hey, hey)". I remember a huge face palm the very first time I heard this lyric in anticipation of the newest breed of artificially empowered people to surface. And on cue "I'm more than just an option" tweets, Facebook statuses, and text message signatures spread like wild fire. Well, I'm sorry to play myth buster here, but statistically and realistically speaking that's a lie. There are approximately 6.8 billion people on this planet. About half are female, and half are male. Even if you ARE one in a million (which is highly unlikely), there are still 6,800 other people JUST LIKE YOU roaming around this Earth somewhere. So sorry to rain on your parade, but you're really just an option. That's it. You can sing that song if you want to, but Drake's going to have you posting personals if you get to excited with that song.

In 2008 Destiny's Child superstar Beyonce Knowles dropped two bombshells artificially empowering black women across America, and for this, I hate her. She first suggested that single women everywhere should feel gypped because "If you like it, then you shoulda put a ring on it" in a song ironically titled "Single Ladies." Simultaneously, everyone chose to ignore the fact that Ms. Knowles is actually married to one of the biggest names in hip-hop history, Mr. Shawn "Jay-Z" Carter. Beyonce's just trying to make an honest living. She's done no wrong. It's the single ladies taking single advice from a married woman with an ENORMOUS ring on her finger who worry me. The same women who would thrive off another burst of energy from Ms. Knowles in the same year when she dropped her smash hit "Diva", which declared that "a diva is a female version of a hustler." Let's pause for a minute.

di·va   [dee-vuh, -vah]
–noun, plural -vas, -ve  [-ve]
a distinguished female singer; prima donna.
1880–85; < It < L dīva, fem. of dīvus god; cf. divine

hus·tler   [huhs-ler]
1.an enterprising person determined to succeed; go-getter.
2.Slang . a person who employs fraudulent or unscrupulous methods to obtain money; swindler.
3.Informal . an expert gambler or game player who seeks out challengers, esp. unsuspecting amateur ones, in order to win money from them: He earned his living as a pool hustler.
4.Slang . a prostitute.
5.a person who hustles.
1815–25; hustle + -er1

Guys, those aren't the same thing at all. Not even close to synonyms. All of you lose. It was just a song.

This motivational music is no new phenomenon. Let's take a journey back to June of 1999, when R&B girl group Destiny's Child (Ms. Knowles seems to be a repeat offender here) dropped the fed-up women's anthem "Bills, Bills, Bills" following the success of TLC hit "No Scrubs." The chorus of this song went as follows:
can you pay my bills
can you pay my telephone bills
can you pay my automo'bills
then maybe we can chill
I don't think you do
so you and me are through

Many women adopted this as a motto while simultaneously forgetting the fact that they could not pay their OWN telephone, or "automo" bills. They failed to realize that this did not make them empowered, independent women, but gold diggers. Once again, you've failed.

My point in all of this? I guess what I aim to say is this: you look stupid. These songs were created for the sole purpose of capitalizing on the vulnerability of insecure people who would latch on to their messages as motto's on which to base their next moves, insecure people who would in turn inadvertently end up offering free promotion by repeating they're stupid lyrics day in and day out.

In short, DO NOT turn on the radio for advice. Take your lonely ass to church.

Until next time folks. Remember to laugh. There's always someone uglier than you.

If you have any topics you'd like to see discussed, drop a comment or hit me up on twitter (twitter.com/RalphRudeSays)

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Cupid's Cures

I'm in the mood to make someone's life a lot easier today.

1. Nothing is as serious as you think it is. That's why we're laughing.
2. You're always over reacting. Get over it. Unless he cheated.
3. He's not cheating, you're just insecure.
4. Maybe he is cheating, but you can't prove it.
5. Stay off of his facebook/twitter if you're just looking for evidence of infidelity. Of course you're going to find it, the internet is where skeezers live. You can't avoid them. Your private investigating skills suck.
6. If he's flirting in plain view, be happy. It means he's not boning her. If he is, it means he's a moron, which in turn makes you a moron. And you'll probably be together forever and have little moronic babies.
7. Pick your battles. Don't nag about every little offense. If you enter a relationship with anyone not named Jesus and expect perfection, you might wanna keep that e-harmony account open.
8. If you ask your girlfriend's opinion she's just going to agree with you, so why bother? Not to mention, it's none of their business. What? You just needed to hear the verbal confirmation to ease some of the same insecurities we spoke of in #3? Oh okay.
9. All the dudes consoling you after your various facebook/twitter rants? They're only trying to hit.
10. If you're mad at any of these points, you're probably not as grown as you think you are.

1. EVERYTHING YOU DO IS WRONG! It doesn't matter how innocent or right you are. You're wrong. Don't defend yourself. Just apologize. It'll make your life a lot easier.

Until next time folks. Remember to laugh. There's always someone uglier than you.

If you have any topics you'd like to see discussed, drop a comment or hit me up on twitter (twitter.com/RalphRudeSays)

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Legalize It

The name of this post already tells you all you need to know about what this post will touch on, so if your closed little mind has already decided that you don't like what I'm about to say, I invite you to open your kitchen drawer, find the sharpest knife, and head-butt it. Repeatedly.

Back to the blogging.

I sincerely believe that the time for this country to legalize marijuana has come and gone. Repeatedly. Because there are DEFINITELY more reasons to do it than not to do it. This post is in no way an admission of my use of marijuana. I'm not trying to advocate the use of it. I'm simply advocating the legalization of it. Which, I guess, is some indirect way of advocating the use of it. So if that's what you wanted to hear me do so you can cast this aside as illegitimate: Smoke weed. Sue me.

Economically it makes sense. No matter how broke people are, they still manage to have weed on them. It never ceases to amaze me. Of course there'd still be drug dealers and people selling weed illegally, but I also know people who sell stolen TVs and computers. Last I checked TVs and computers were still perfectly legal.

But most importantly, weed has never done anything to anyone. Guns, alcohol, swine flu, HIV, have ALL killed or even more people than weed. Make guns illegal. Make alcohol illegal. Make sneezing illegal. Make unprotected sex illegal. Not very logical is it?

Not only could the government potentially make money off of the legalized sale of Marijuana, they could save the money they spend on all of those senseless "above the influence" anti marijuana campaigns they sponsor. Have you all seen those? What about the one with the the poorly drawn dog and boy and the dog is all "I wish my owner would do more stuff, but he's always too high to do anything."? Have you seen it? It's freaking stupid. They NEVER show what the owner was like BEFORE he got hight. Spoiler alert: he was STILL a lazy bastard. Marijuana does not do that to you. Willie Nelson and Bob Marley seemed to accomplish quite a bit smoking marijuana. On second thought, perhaps Bob Marley wasn't the best example to use right there. What about Barack Obama? He smoked once upon a time. I'd say he's doing alright for himself.

Let's talk about the sober cobras making these PSAs in the first place. Seeing as they already KNOW that stupid little 30 second spot is going to be completely ignored by 97% of the people watching it, why do they still do it? Because they don't have anything better to do. Maybe if they smoked, they'd think of something productive to do.

Marijuana simply combines the good effects of alcohol and smoking anything else, while subtracting most of the bad ones. It doesn't make people belligerent. Studies have shown that there is no increased lung cancer risk introduced with the use of marijuana. So WHAT ARE WE DOING?!

The only thing that making such a seemingly harmless substance illegal does is give overly righteous citizens more to police the more realistic people on. You all know the goody two-shoes asserting their unsolicited opinions all the time? "Why do you need to get high? Blah blah blah I watch Dawson's Creek and wear a promise ring." Here's how you handle those people: you feed them hash brownies. Anybody with THAT much free time to crusade against something that's not causing any harm against anyone should MapQuest the nearest cliff and jump.

What are the cons? Seriously? Sure, the smell lingers but so does cigarette smoke, and cigarette's are still perfectly legal. If you don't agree with smoking marijuana, don't do it. It's that simple. No really. It is.

Until next time folks. Remember to laugh. There's always someone uglier than you.

If you have any topics you'd like to see discussed, drop a comment or hit me up on twitter (twitter.com/RalphRudeSays)