Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Cupid's Cures

I'm in the mood to make someone's life a lot easier today.

1. Nothing is as serious as you think it is. That's why we're laughing.
2. You're always over reacting. Get over it. Unless he cheated.
3. He's not cheating, you're just insecure.
4. Maybe he is cheating, but you can't prove it.
5. Stay off of his facebook/twitter if you're just looking for evidence of infidelity. Of course you're going to find it, the internet is where skeezers live. You can't avoid them. Your private investigating skills suck.
6. If he's flirting in plain view, be happy. It means he's not boning her. If he is, it means he's a moron, which in turn makes you a moron. And you'll probably be together forever and have little moronic babies.
7. Pick your battles. Don't nag about every little offense. If you enter a relationship with anyone not named Jesus and expect perfection, you might wanna keep that e-harmony account open.
8. If you ask your girlfriend's opinion she's just going to agree with you, so why bother? Not to mention, it's none of their business. What? You just needed to hear the verbal confirmation to ease some of the same insecurities we spoke of in #3? Oh okay.
9. All the dudes consoling you after your various facebook/twitter rants? They're only trying to hit.
10. If you're mad at any of these points, you're probably not as grown as you think you are.

1. EVERYTHING YOU DO IS WRONG! It doesn't matter how innocent or right you are. You're wrong. Don't defend yourself. Just apologize. It'll make your life a lot easier.

Until next time folks. Remember to laugh. There's always someone uglier than you.

If you have any topics you'd like to see discussed, drop a comment or hit me up on twitter (

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Legalize It

The name of this post already tells you all you need to know about what this post will touch on, so if your closed little mind has already decided that you don't like what I'm about to say, I invite you to open your kitchen drawer, find the sharpest knife, and head-butt it. Repeatedly.

Back to the blogging.

I sincerely believe that the time for this country to legalize marijuana has come and gone. Repeatedly. Because there are DEFINITELY more reasons to do it than not to do it. This post is in no way an admission of my use of marijuana. I'm not trying to advocate the use of it. I'm simply advocating the legalization of it. Which, I guess, is some indirect way of advocating the use of it. So if that's what you wanted to hear me do so you can cast this aside as illegitimate: Smoke weed. Sue me.

Economically it makes sense. No matter how broke people are, they still manage to have weed on them. It never ceases to amaze me. Of course there'd still be drug dealers and people selling weed illegally, but I also know people who sell stolen TVs and computers. Last I checked TVs and computers were still perfectly legal.

But most importantly, weed has never done anything to anyone. Guns, alcohol, swine flu, HIV, have ALL killed or even more people than weed. Make guns illegal. Make alcohol illegal. Make sneezing illegal. Make unprotected sex illegal. Not very logical is it?

Not only could the government potentially make money off of the legalized sale of Marijuana, they could save the money they spend on all of those senseless "above the influence" anti marijuana campaigns they sponsor. Have you all seen those? What about the one with the the poorly drawn dog and boy and the dog is all "I wish my owner would do more stuff, but he's always too high to do anything."? Have you seen it? It's freaking stupid. They NEVER show what the owner was like BEFORE he got hight. Spoiler alert: he was STILL a lazy bastard. Marijuana does not do that to you. Willie Nelson and Bob Marley seemed to accomplish quite a bit smoking marijuana. On second thought, perhaps Bob Marley wasn't the best example to use right there. What about Barack Obama? He smoked once upon a time. I'd say he's doing alright for himself.

Let's talk about the sober cobras making these PSAs in the first place. Seeing as they already KNOW that stupid little 30 second spot is going to be completely ignored by 97% of the people watching it, why do they still do it? Because they don't have anything better to do. Maybe if they smoked, they'd think of something productive to do.

Marijuana simply combines the good effects of alcohol and smoking anything else, while subtracting most of the bad ones. It doesn't make people belligerent. Studies have shown that there is no increased lung cancer risk introduced with the use of marijuana. So WHAT ARE WE DOING?!

The only thing that making such a seemingly harmless substance illegal does is give overly righteous citizens more to police the more realistic people on. You all know the goody two-shoes asserting their unsolicited opinions all the time? "Why do you need to get high? Blah blah blah I watch Dawson's Creek and wear a promise ring." Here's how you handle those people: you feed them hash brownies. Anybody with THAT much free time to crusade against something that's not causing any harm against anyone should MapQuest the nearest cliff and jump.

What are the cons? Seriously? Sure, the smell lingers but so does cigarette smoke, and cigarette's are still perfectly legal. If you don't agree with smoking marijuana, don't do it. It's that simple. No really. It is.

Until next time folks. Remember to laugh. There's always someone uglier than you.

If you have any topics you'd like to see discussed, drop a comment or hit me up on twitter (

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Mirror Time

It's been over a week since my last post, and some of you have grown impatient with me, and for that I apologize. The kind of apology you give because your mother made you, not the kind you really mean. I got stuff to do. Not really. I just got lazy. Sue me. On a seriouser note (eff you, poetic license), I genuinely appreciate the interest and support all of you have shown for this blog. You could read anyone's banter, but you've chosen to read mine, and for that I apologize.

Back to the blogging.

Rapper Stayve "Slim Thug" Thomas recently ruffled some lace fronts with comments he made regarding dating women of different races. In short, he basically asserted that black women demanded more while contributing less, while white women were more into putting into relationships than taking from relationships. People (and by people, I mean angry black women) were quick to jump down his throat for his comments without trying to understand where he was coming from. I'm not here to defend or attack his stance. I'm here to say that the angry reactions told more than he did.


For starters, he's Slim Thug. Say that out loud. "Slim Thug." Why should we give a flying 747 monkey sh*t about anything he has to say that isn't chopped and screwed?

But more importantly, any person with ANY ounce of self awareness will not react with such resentment to a comment they believe is clearly false. Need an example?

Let's say Slim Thug walks up to me right now and calls me a "honky midget b*tch." I promise you I wouldn't care. Why? Because I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, with absolutely certainty that I am a 6' tall, black male. I know his statement to be erroneous, and any person with a half a brain can see the same, so I would be wasting my breath in refuting such a claim.

Now, if I could possibly be mistaken for a caucasian dwarf, we would have another situation on our hands. I might find myself frantically trying to poke holes in the assertion Mr. Thug has just made. Either I am indeed a caucasian dwarf, or I have left room for misinterpretation.

My point is this: if someone says something about you that you know to be false, it shouldn't bother you. If you have represented yourself in the way that you desire, and in a way that your family would be okay with, then surely the rest of the the world can see through such an outrageous claim. No one is going to call Michelle Obama a hoe. Oprah Winfrey is not a gold digger. O.J. Simpson is not a criminal. Okay, well MAYBE he killed that white girl, but he didn't rob those dudes in the hotel. How can you "steal" your own stuff? But we digress.

If there is one inkling of resentment in your soul, then perhaps you should turn that resentment into motivation to carry yourself in the way you wish to be remembered. In other words, quit being a b*tch and let your actions speak for you.

I'm not saying that you should adapt a facade or anything of the sort. Some people are just genuinely bad people. Such is life. If you are a bad person, you can't really be upset with Mr. Thug calling you out on your gold digging tendencies now can you?

Long story short: nobody wants to hear you whine over he say/she say. People will think what they want. But if it walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it's PROBABLY a f*ckin duck. Don't cry wolf when your cover get's blown. Respect starts with the person in the mirror.

Until next time folks. Remember to laugh. There's always someone uglier than you.

If you have any topics you'd like to see discussed, drop a comment or hit me up on twitter (

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

These Damned Kids

I know this argument has been going on for years, but people:
PLEASE beat your kids.

I didn't say abuse. But a little spanking or belt action never killed anybody. And if it did, they probably weren't going to last too long anyway.

"Rude, where is this coming from?" you might ask. Well, I'm watching this show called "World's Strictest Parents" on the CMT channel where they take bad ass kids and put them in homes with strict parents for the week, and as you watch, you can't help but mumble obscenities under your breath about what would've happened to you if you had the nerve of these kids when you were younger for a whole hour.

If these kids got beat early enough, there's no need for this show. For the first time in this blog, I will use a story from my personal experiences to illustrate my point.

When I was younger (about 4 or 5), I loved pop-tarts. Scratch that, I STILL love pop-tarts, and there's nothing wrong with that. In fact, there's something wrong with you if you don't. Anyhow, one time, I was feeling independent enough to help myself to some pop-tarts. I got bold enough to take a whole pack, with TWO whole pop-tarts in it. That's right. Thug life. Well, momma caught me with a couple of pop-tarts in my hands and realized she had given me permission to do no such thing. She told my daddy, and daddy ain't play that. I got my hind parts reddened on the spot. Right away. The messed up part is, they couldn't even wait 10 minutes for him to finish his bowel movement. I got whooped over my father's lap WHILE he was taking a sh*t. I don't even think it hurt that bad. But I'll be damned if I EVER forget that whooping.

That was about 15 years ago. And for 15 years, I've thought twice about ever single bite of every single pop-tart I've ever taken. I'll be 20 years old in a couple of months, and I'm FINALLY beginning to understand that I can eat pop-tarts when I want now. It's still a little to risky for my liking though, so I have a little template saved in my phone asking my mother for permission to eat pop-tarts. Even when I'm away at school.

My point is this: that whooping didn't kill me. Traumatize me? Absolutely. Hell, that may very well be what's wrong with me today, BUT I'm very much a functional human being.

We've ALL seen the bad ass kids in the grocery stores and malls of our cities. We're always SO quick to judge. Don't judge that parent, because you have NO idea what they've been through or what they're going through. Don't interfere. Just trip that kid when you get a chance. Don't make it obvious or anything. Just... ya know? Kinda get your foot just into their path of destruction and apologize like your life depended on it afterwards.

Now before you judge me for this little bit of advice, I did some SERIOUS soul searching before I published this post. I checked the Bible, Koran, AND Torah, and there's ABSOLUTELY nothing in any of those books forbidding you to trip people's kids. Look at it like this: the more children we trip now, the less brats we have running around our streets and prisons.

Here's what I want you to take away from today's post: if the thought of your kids getting tripped in public bothers you, beat your kids. You're welcome.

Until next time folks. Remember to laugh. There's always someone uglier than you.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Why We Should Be Ashamed of Carfax

Before we begin:

First and foremost, I would like to thank all of you for all of the positive reviews you've given this blog, and the all around support I've seen for it. Whether you've tweeted about it, emailed a friend about it, or whatever, I would like to thank you. It is a truly humbling feeling, and for those of you who know me, you all know I'm not very easily humbled. This is a foreign feeling to me, and honestly it kinda makes my stomach hurt. Not sure if I like it or not yet...

Secondly, I'd like to thank a reader for bringing a couple of spelling/grammatical errors (that have since been corrected) to my attention, and to deliver a giant middle finger to the rest of you who let me keep posting like I was Lil' Duval.

Nextly (I know it's not a word... but it should be), I know I said a post a day, and I faltered. I ran into a few technical difficulties. Chalk it up to a holiday weekend shall we? In any case, I'd like to apologize to anyone who checked in and was greeted by a giant batch of disappointment. Get over it.

Lastly, I hope all of you had a horrible Memorial Day weekend. Why? Because I still saw a few lace fronts out there, and I'm holding YOU ALL accountable.


How many of you have seen the commercials for (or even used) Carfax? You know the little service that gives you a vehicle's history report? It gives you a list of all the stops the car has made in its previous ownership, anything the DMV has to report on it, some accidents the car may have been in, etc.

The idea being that there may be something about that car that would prevent you from wanting anything to do with it, so that you don't fall in love with extractive exterior of a car, and find out that there's nothing but sh*t under the hood. See where I'm going yet? Please say yes. No? Well I'll hurry up and get to it.

WHAT IF there were Carfax for people?

WHAT IF before we came involved with a person, we could read a report of everyone they had been involved with before, any problems they may have had with them, EVERY test result ever, etc.

Here's what I think would happen: NOTHING. Absolutely nothing would change. Why? Because people are born inherently... for lack of a better word, stubborn (For the record, there's a much better word. It's "retarded." But I was trying to be politically correct.) I put it to you that we could know EVERYTHING about a person's past, and it wouldn't change our decision in the least. Don't believe me? Let's take a look at a few scenarios.

"I know he got like 5 kids, and he don't really take care o' alla dem, but he is soooooo fine and sweet, n I feel like he really gon be different this time around, gurrrrl."

**Carfax translation**: I know it's been in a few too many accidents, and they didn't really fix all the dings the right way, but it's a really cute car, and these leather seats can't be passed on. I'm sure those dents and leaky pumps will magically fix themselves eventually.

"Dog, I know what you heard, but she ain't no hoe no mo', and besides, DID YOU SEE DAT ASS?!"

**Carfax translation**: Yes, the car has 500,000 miles on it, BUT IT'S STILL A LEXUS!"

Sounds kinda stupid right? Yes, those were extreme examples, BUT we all do it. EVERYONE.

Truth is, there are Carfax for people. Maybe they're not printed out in black and white for you to see (one of you should try that, I feel like there's money to be made there), but there ARE warning signs that we try to justify with the (often superficial) positive qualities we fall head over heels for. That's not a bad thing. Often, people deserve second chances.

But, would you ever go back to the dealer with this complaint: "I know you said this car has had transmission problems on 5 different occasions, but I'm schocked that the transmission would blow out on me like this!"? If you can honestly answer that question with a yes, I'm going to politely ask you to stick to public transportation for the safety of the other drivers on the road.

Likewise, if you're going to ignore warning signs in the people you choose to deal with and still narrate the same "woman (or man) scorned" story, I'm kindly asking you to silence yourself permanently. Yes, it takes two to tango. But it only takes one person to be a grade-A, unsolicited, moron. And honestly, that's what ignoring some of these warning signs boils down to. Stupidity. And you can be stupid in a room by yourself.

So what these Carfax commercials have brought to my attention, is that people are more selective with their CARS, than the company they choose to surround themselves with, and THAT is why we should be ashamed of Carfax. We don't deserve them, because we use them when they matter least.

BUT some wise Indian fella by the name of Mohandas Gandhi once proclaimed that:
You must be the change you wish to see in the world.

I say that to say this: if you're tired of seeing stupid people doing stupid things and making the world that much more difficult, stop doing stupid sh*t. Read the damned Carfax.

Until next time folks. Remember to laugh. There's always someone uglier than you.

(P.S.: The last couple of posts have been reader suggested topics. If there's a topic you'd like to see on this blog, feel free to e-mail me at or drop a line on twitter @MindjaBiznis)