Monday, August 2, 2010

Cat Ladies

It's been awhile since my last post. Some of you may think it's because I'm slacking. I'm here to refute that statement. Over the past three weeks, I've been conducting serious research on the phenomena that is the Cat Lady. You know? Everyone knows at least one person (usually a female) with way too many cats (or animals at all for that matter) who seem to think that the amount of time that they spend with them is perfectly normal. Don't get me wrong, I'm not advocating animal neglect or anything, but animals are not kids.

They have four legs and defecate in boxes. This love of felines is nothing new. Ancient Egyptian tombs have played host to mummified cats. What a sucky job. But the main point of the post is the cold hard rational, scientifically sound statistics I found during this research. So let's cut to the chase shall we?

Ladies, for EVERY cat you own, your chance of finding true love (CoFTL) decreases.

Here are the ratios of number of cats owned to the decrease in CoFTL (in percentage):

1 : 10%
2 : 20%
3 : 40%
4 : 80%
5+ : see picture of lady above and you tell me.

So there you have it people. Men lie, women lie (hell, even bloggers lie sometimes). But numbers don't.

Those numbers aren't even fully indicative of how detrimental this love of cats can be. What many of you assume is that you automatically started out with a CoFTL score of 100. This could not be further from the truth. I scored Halle Berry on the official CoFTL scale, and she came in at 95%. That means most of you regular people are PROBABLY maxing out around 83%. That's IF you're fine AND have a job. So after your first cat, you're ALREADY down to 73%. In college, that's a D.

Now you see why there's so many Asians? They eat their cats, so their CoFTL scores remain relatively unscathed, and they're reproducing like CRAZY because of it. True love all over that continent. If you hate Chinese slippers as much as I do (which you should), you'll box up all of your cats right now and ship them across the Pacific to level the playing fields a little bit.

You're probably just as startled by these results I was. So to help you understand why, it's because no sane person owns that many cats (or animals at all). Period. They may have started out sane, but with each and every one of those pets, another part of their cognitive abilities died. Don't believe me? Spend a day with one of these people. Look at the background of their laptop and cell phone. It's probably something furry. Look at them interact with these mammals/reptiles. They'll call them their "babies." They'll treat them like actual human children. I promise you, at least once, they will put their face level with the animal's snout, and kiss it on the mouth. They'll give you made up statistics about how sanitary the animal's mouth is to justify making out with a four legged creature. Don't let anyone fool you, that's gross.

But THEN, they'll start giving you insight on the animals emotions and feelings, because apparently everyone is a veterinary psychologist now except for me. I know when to feed them, when it's okay to touch them, and when I need to run. That's it. I can't tell you when they're getting divorced. These feline-philiacs will then tell you that their cat (or whatever animal) understands them, when in fact, these animals understand less about us than we understand about them. Yes they keep you company. It's not because they "love" you. It's because you keep feeding them and scratching them behind the ears.

Fact: if you keep feeding me and scratching me being my ears, I'll probably keep coming back for more. It's not because I love you. It's because I like food. And if it comes with being scratched behind the ears, then so be it.

What the evidence I've supplied you with means, is that these people have formed a dependency on their animals. They have basically given up on actual human relations. Cats are cop outs. They're easy. You don't have to work at it. You feed them, scratch them, and they "love you." Real love, much like anything else worth having in life, takes work.

All this being said, there's nothing wrong with owning a bunch of pets. Okay, I lied. There's plenty wrong with it. But I can't fault you. I guess my point is this: if your emotional release lies in the hands of four legged beings, please keep your crazy ass off the market.

Until next time folks. Remember to laugh. There's always someone uglier than you.

If you have any topics you'd like to see discussed, drop a comment or hit me up on twitter (


  1. You my dear are hilarious and because of this post. I will NOT be getting any cats anytime soon. Thank you for your timely advice.

    For the Record kissing cats is nasty... and i refuse to believe that sanitary shit. EVAH

  2. This is BRILLIANT stuff!
    You should be getting PAID for writing for a TV show or something.

  3. Hope to see you in the chat tomorrow (8pm eastern)! =]We're discussing and debating it all out. Be there to set the record straight!

    We LOVE all that you have to say here on your site =].

    <3 FWB