I'm well aware that memorial day weekend is upon us. Quick question: aside from the obvious implications that the name provides, how many of you know ANYTHING about memorial day? When was it first started? Why did we start celebrating? Don't worry, I'll wait.
Fret not, not even someone as ingenious as I knew the answer to these questions before consulting the world's most reliable source of everyday knowledge: Wikipedia. So, it'd be rather hypocritical of me to preach about our ignorance of such a holiday.
Instead, out of respect for those who've died while fighting for our country (sorry to any foreign readers I may have who's native land's holidays are significantly suckier than ours) I will offer you some pointers about what to do and what not to do during this hallowed weekend.
DO NOT: Get the lace front re-done ladies. the novelty has worn off, and even white people are starting to laugh. As a matter of fact, you might want to stay away from the glue-in tracks too. It's kinda hot, and we don't want any accidents.
As a matter of fact, change of plans on this whole post. No more do's and don'ts, I fear this monster alone may be too much to tackle. One step at a time.
I'm not even gonna ask you all not to act out like we know you will. That's a battle I'm not willing to fight. But I am asking that you, check that, DEMANDING that you reprimand any and everyone you see with a lace front. All that stuff I said in the last post about other people's opinion not mattering? F*ck that. This is AMERICA we're talking about. We're remembering those who died for our freedom, and these people are wasting freedom on LACE FRONTS! That is Un-American. Literally. Those things are Asian. I love our friends of the orient as much as the next, but this is memorial day weekend, and if you love America like I do, you won't tolerate lace fronts on this sacred weekend either.
This is a call to arms. When you run into those renegades who have ignored my request, and worn lace fronts this weekend, I ask that you raise your right hand, place it on their forehead, pray for them, then snatch that sh*t right off the dome. I'm so mad right now, I don't even remember what I started out writing about.
Long story short, f*ck lace fronts, Happy Memorial Day, and GOD BLESS AMERICA.... no.... you didn't miss the insightful message burried in this blog. Just stop the foolish lacefronts. That's it. Oh yeah, and Coogi too. Don't let anyone fool you, we're not wearing that anymore.
Until next time folks. Remember to laugh. There's always someone uglier than you. And they're probably wearing a lace front to further accentuate their unfortunate face.